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Old 12-14-1999, 11:21 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Austin, TX.... USA
Posts: 3,253


December 14, 1999
Dearest Bob, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection,
December 15, 1999
Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine--
Two Turtle Doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable. My everlasting love,
December 16, 1999
My dear Bob, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one!! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such generosity -- Three French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist -- You've been too kind. All my love,
December 17, 1999
Dear Bob, Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now, really, don't you think they ARE beautiful, but enough is enough? You are just being too romantic. Love, Violet
December 18, 1999
Dear Bob, What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds can really squawk and they are getting on my nerves. Affectionately,
December 19, 1999
Bob, Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese-a-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them ? The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through the racket. Now let this be the end of this. Cordially,
December 20, 1999
Bob, What the hell is with you and these f*cking birds? Seven Swans-a-Swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this ? There's bird droppings all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't get a damn bit of sleep and I'm a a nervous wreck. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.
Sincerely, Violet
December 21, 1999
O.K. Pal! What in screaming hell am I going to do with Eight Maids-a-Milking ?? Well, Sh*t! I think I prefer the damn birds. The damn maids-a-milking had to bring their damn cows, there is cow sh*t all over my lawn and bird sh*t all over the house. I can't even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.
December 22, 1999 '
Listen, You sadistic bastard! I now have Nine Pipers Piping in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow sh*t. This, after chasing those maids all night long. Consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching birds. What am I to do ?? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Up yours,
December 23, 1999
You rotten PRICK! Now there are Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the damn cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The Commissioner of Zoning and the Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause to why this building should not be condemned. I'm calling the police! I mean it, by god

********************************* > > >
December 24, 1999
Listen, FUKKHEAD: Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be a witness to Eleven Lords-a-Leaping on that many maids and ladies.
They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn't the only witness, by the way. The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay TV. For the record, all 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my witness, some how, some day, I'LL GET YOU! I never want to see your fukking face as long as I live !!
Miss Violet Monica Habersham
December 25, 1999
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Habersham. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight!
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Sincerely, Anthony Gionetti, Esq, Associate

"Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be ... well, mre wealth than you can imagine."
ICQ: 45514783
e-mail: JediMaster@austin.rr.com
my names:
MPlayer - Darth Jedi

[This message has been edited by TheDarthJedi (edited 12-14-99).]
TheDarthJedi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-15-1999, 12:19 AM   #2
Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 0

Anyone remember that Twelve Days of Christmas pardoy where the presents were molotov cocktails and cans of mace?

"On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: 12 Nuclear Holocausts" (BOOOM!!!)
I oughta make an mp3 of that for those who haven't heard it.
Kenny is offline   Reply With Quote

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